Here's the really funny thing though. Not giving in to my anxiety produces secondary anxiety. I remember this VERY clearly from being on medication. On the one hand I felt GREAT!!!! I was like, is this how people without anxiety and depression feel all the time. Wow. It's amazing. But after the newness wore off, I felt like I'd lost a filter that was important to me, to keep me from fucking up. Now I'm trying to will myself out of my anxiety and depression, through reshaping my thinking, letting go of my negativity, and meditation. I just ordered some books to help with this, and I think I'm going to order a couple more. The thing is I still feel very vulnerable. Better, happier, and less prone to emotional temper tantrums on the inside, but with this secondary anxiety about my new way of thinking.
If anyone has felt this or has any suggestion or just well wishes, I could use them right now.
Edit: I think what I'm trying to get at is a) my approach seems to be working to some degree if I feel similar to where I was on meds b) I feel very ungrounded. I was grounded in my anxiety and negatitve thought patterns. Though it wasn't a happy place to be, it's familiar and how I've functioned my whole life. I have not really made it to the otherside where I am grounded in a healthier set of thought patterns, instead I'm a lost or a drift between. It's not a fun place to be either.